The Art of Being an Effective Listener

I gave a presentation to a group of eight CEO’s yesterday and one to a similar group of ten today. In both cases, I asked the attendees if it ever happened that they had a conversation with another and walked away feeling they had been talking to the wall. With a few laughs, they all said “yes.”

I then asked the tougher question: how many of you are willing to acknowledge that there probably are times that people have conversations with you and they walk away feeling like they had been talking to the wall. Pretty much all of them sheepishly acknowledged that that probably occurs all too frequently.

What a sad state of affairs, that we are mostly not very good listeners. And it has an enormous impact in every area of our lives. Why? Because whether it’s at home or at work, everything we do involves other people and our effectiveness in creating meaningful, intimate, quality relationships is directly a function of our effectiveness as a listener.

What is almost comical about all of this is that listening is really quite a simple phenomenon and it’s not all that difficult to become a really terrific listener. And, again, if you become a terrific listener, it will positively impact every relationship in your life.

Here’s the reality: the phenomenon of listening consists of two and only two components:

1. Who do you have your attention on?

2. What’s your internal conversation?

If you want to read about this in detail, get yourself a copy of my book at www.UnshackledLeadership.com. For now, if you want to be an ineffective listener, go through life with your attention on yourself, and allow your internal conversation to be something like: get to the point, what am I going to say next, do I agree with you or not, let me try and figure out what you’re going to say and I’ll say it for you, do I agree with you or not, am I going to win or lose, and many more.

If you want to be a really effective listener, just give the other person your undivided attention. Period. Forget all this nonsense about active listening, whatever that means, eye contact, body language, and the rest. Just give the other person, whoever it is, your undivided attention. Have your internal conversation be something like: how are we both going to win here and work together.

All 18 of the CEO’s said they never heard this before and oh how wonderful it would have been had they heard this a long time ago. So now you’ve heard it so you have no excuse for not being a really effective listener.

The Meaning of the Word Surrender

In last week’s blog post, I used what I would assume is a controversial word: namely “surrender.” What I said was: if you want to have a joyous experience of life and business, let go of needing to control everything, it doesn’t work anyway and you know it, and just learn to surrender, go with the flow, and enjoy the ride on the river. In the final analysis, it’s always better to go in the direction of the flow rather than trying to steer your boat yourself.

Most people don’t like or at least misunderstand the word surrender so I want to explain what I mean. In the common usage of the word, surrender is thought to mean: give up. And indeed it does mean that. But what it doesn’t mean is to give up what you want. It doesn’t mean give up your hopes and dreams, your goals, your objectives, or your wants and desires. And that’s what most people understand when they hear the word surrender.

What I’m asking you to do is to give up thinking that it’s up to you to figure out HOW your hopes and dreams, your goals and objectives, and your wants and desires will become a reality. You can’t figure it out, really. You’re not smart enough.

Now that doesn’t mean you’re not smart. You’re plenty smart. Just not smart enough. We live in a universe of infinite intelligence. You can choose to believe that or not but it is the truth. Are you really willing to compare your intelligence to infinite intelligence?

Trying to control your circumstances is like getting into the ring with Mohammed Ali, with both hands tied behind your back, when he was in his prime. That would be incredibly stupid. Yet, that’s exactly what we do when we try to control our destiny.

And the consequence of that is we feel frustrated, inept, discouraged and even impotent. The saddest thing of all is that when we experience those feelings, we react by becoming even more determined to figure things out, and the cycle of frustration continues.

The answer is so simple, really. Be clear about what you want, get into action, move your feet, and let the river take you where you want to go. That is the meaning of “surrender.” Let go of control and enjoy the ride. You’ll be so amazed at how easy and satisfying life and business becomes.

To Trust or not to Trust, That is the Question

It is our assertion that in every situation, in business and indeed life itself, there are always only two choices. I know it often doesn’t appear that way, but we say that is the way it is. And, to make matters worse (or better, depending on your point of view), one choice works and the other does not.

One example is that you can either try and be in charge of everything, try to be in control, or you can learn to just trust that the universe is on your side, surrender, go with the flow, and enjoy the ride. So for all of you control freaks, which is probably most of you, I invite you to consider the following:

One of the principle ways the ego robs you of your peace is having you believe that unless you take charge of your business, and your life, things will never turn out the way you want. And you buy into its game. So I ask you: how’s it working out for you? Are you really able to control your destiny? Do you feel like you’re really in charge? Are you really able to control all of the circumstances of your daily existence and have things work out exactly the way you want?

I’d bet that if you answered those questions honestly, your answers are clearly “no!” Which is why it’s an ego game. The ego will do anything to have you be unhappy, frustrated, disappointed, whatever. And that’s exactly how you feel when you try to be in control.

Here’s the other choice (and I say the far better one): learn to trust! I just conducted a two week experiment to see how this would work if I was absolutely willing to do exactly this and boy was I rewarded.

Two weeks ago, Freddi (my partner in life) and I set out on an international adventure. We had to take 3 flights to get from Santa Ana to Copenhagen, Denmark, we had to find our hotel when we arrived, we had to then travel to Sweden, Finland, Russia, Estonia, Poland, back to Sweden and back to Denmark. Every day we had to take trains, buses and even bicycles to get to various places, in countries where we didn’t speak the language, and often had no idea how to accomplish what we needed to accomplish.

To make a long story short, I realized going in that there were an overwhelming number of elements, including the weather, which had to be dealt with. So I decided to take the path I’m suggesting here and just trust. I literally made an agreement with myself that I would not try and plan anything other than what had already been planned and I would just go with the flow.

I often watched in amazement as to how perfectly everything unfolded. The weather every day was perfect. Everything needed to handle what was next just showed up. Here’s one striking example: we arrived in the Polish town of Gdynia and had to go to the town of Gdansk. I had been told that the best way to go was to take the train, but was warned that I would need to take a cab to the train station and nobody would speak English.

As we waited to get off the ship we were on, we overheard some folks talking about going to Gdansk so we asked if we could follow along. To make matters even better, one of them spoke Polish. So they arranged (and paid for) the cab, bought us our train tickets, and got us on the right train. I just happened to sit next to someone from Poland who not only spoke great English, but also was going to Gdansk to visit a friend and when the train arrived, he guided us to exactly where we needed to go.

That’s how it went every day. Just remarkable. So if you want to have a joyous experience of life and business, let go of needing to control everything, it doesn’t work anyway and you know it, and just learn to surrender, go with the flow, and enjoy the ride on the river. In the final analysis, it’s always better to go in the direction of the flow rather than trying to steer your boat yourself.

The Unshackled Leadership Philosophy

For those of you that are
unfamiliar with the Unshackled Leadership philosophy, please be advised that it
is a transformational 15 step process that enables business leaders to achieve
breakthrough outcomes and extraordinary performance. These steps are clearly
laid out in the chapters of the book by the same title. The process requires
leaders to take the following actions:

1. Wake
   up to the fact that there is an existing paradigm.


2. Distinguish
   the nature and components of your internal conversation.


3. Shift
   your attention from yourself and your survival to others and the
   contribution you can make to them.


4. Get
   that you are the source and creator of your reality.


5. Get
   that happiness, satisfaction and fulfillment are choices you make.


6. Let
   go of your judgments about people and look for the gold in them instead.


7. Develop
   an appreciation of the law of cause and effect.


8. Distinguish
   the predominant world paradigm of fear and scarcity.


9. Take
   a stand for your own worth and value.


10. Eliminate
    complaints and gossip from your organization.


11. See
    why the “honeymoon stage” of your relationships ends all too soon.


12. Clean
    up the messes you’ve made in your relationships.


13. Clarify
    fully the way of being that results in Unshackled Leadership.


14. Define
    a new paradigm of being related.


15. Align
    on a vision for the future.

Do those actions sound interesting, challenging, confusing?
After study us humans and how we operate in business for some 25 years now, I
am truly convinced that mastering the games of life and business is pretty
straightforward. Easy? Surely not. Straightforward? Yes. The above action steps
lay it all out.

Once you complete the 15 steps, you will:

1. Become
   receptive to the possibility that there may be another, more powerful way
   for you to think.


2. Simplify
   your life into two diametrically opposed paths – you will have to choose.


3. Transform
   all of your relationships at home and at work.


4. Take
   responsibility for everything in your life – stop being a victim.


5. Shift
   from a circumstantially determined life to a chosen life of joy, happiness
   and satisfaction.


6. Experience
   an extraordinary level of intimacy with the people in your life.


7. See
   that your thoughts create your attitude/mood which determines your
   results.


8. Shift
   to a paradigm of faith, trust, possibility and abundance.


9. Begin
   to see and appreciate the magnificence in others.


10. Create
    an organizational mood of joy and excitement.


11. Stop
    withholding your disappointments and upsets and start communicating
    responsibly.


12. Create
    an opening for championship caliber teamwork.


13. Make
    decisions and choices consciously and wisely.


14. Create
    “partnership” as a fundamental way of being with others.


15. Operate
    consist with your vision rather than your circumstances.

If you’d like to learn more about the 15 steps and reap the
benefits just described, you can get a copy of Unshackled Leadership at www.UnshackledLeadership.com or
call us for a free one hour coaching session as described below.

Ducks quack, Eagles soar

No one can make you
serve customers well. That's because great service is a choice.

Harvey Mackay, tells a
wonderful story about a cab driver that proved this point. He was waiting in
line for a ride at the airport. When a cab pulled up, the first thing Harvey
noticed was that the taxi was polished to a bright shine. Smartly dressed in a
white shirt, black tie, and freshly pressed black slacks, the cab driver jumped
out and rounded the car to open the back passenger door for Harvey .

He handed my friend a
laminated card and said: 'I'm Wally, your driver. While I'm loading your bags
in the trunk I'd like you to read my mission statement.' Taken aback, Harvey
read the card. It said: Wally's Mission Statement: To get my customers to their
destination in the quickest, safest and cheapest way possible in a friendly
environment.

This blew Harvey away.
Especially when he noticed that the inside of the cab matched the outside.
Spotlessly clean! As he slid behind the wheel, Wally said, 'Would you like a
cup of coffee? I have a thermos of regular and one of decaf.'

My friend said jokingly,
'No, I'd prefer a soft drink.' Wally smiled and said, 'No problem. I have a
cooler up front with regular and Diet Coke, water and orange juice.' Almost
stuttering, Harvey said, 'I'll take a Diet Coke.'

Handing him his drink,
Wally said, 'If you'd like something to read, I have The Wall Street Journal,
Time, Sports Illustrated and USA Today.' As they were pulling away, Wally
handed my friend another laminated card, 'These are the stations I get and the
music they play, if you'd like to listen to the radio.' And as if that weren't
enough, Wally told Harvey that he had the air conditioning on and asked if the
temperature was comfortable for him.

Then he advised Harvey
of the best route to his destination for that time of day. He also let him know
that he'd be happy to chat and tell him about some of the sights or, if Harvey
preferred, to leave him with his own thoughts.

'Tell me, Wally,' my
amazed friend asked the driver, 'have you always served customers like this?' Wally smiled into the
rear view mirror. 'No, not always. In
fact, it's only been in the last two years. My first five years driving, I
spent most of my time complaining like all the rest of the cabbies do. Then I
heard the personal growth guru, Wayne Dyer, on the radio one day.

He had just written a
book called You'll See It When You Believe It . Dyer said that if you get up in the morning expecting to have a
bad day, you'll rarely disappoint yourself. He said, 'Stop complaining!
Differentiate yourself from your competition. Don't be a duck. Be an eagle.
Ducks quack and complain. Eagles soar above the crowd.''

'That hit me right
between the eyes,' said Wally. 'Dyer was really talking about me. I was always
quacking and complaining, so I decided to change my attitude and become an
eagle. I looked around at the other
cabs and their drivers. The cabs were dirty, the drivers were unfriendly, and
the customers were unhappy. So I decided to make some changes. I put in a few
at a time. When my customers responded well, I did more.'

'I take it that has paid
off for you,' Harvey said.

'It sure has,' Wally
replied. 'My first year as an eagle, I doubled my income from the previous
year. This year I'll probably quadruple it. You were lucky to get me today. I
don't sit at cabstands anymore. My customers call me for appointments on my
cell phone or leave a message on my answering machine. If I can't pick them up
myself, I get a reliable cabbie friend to do it and I take a piece of the
action.'

Wally was phenomenal. He
was running a limo service out of a Yellow Cab. I've probably told that story to more than fifty cab drivers over
the years, and only two took the idea and ran with it. Whenever I go to their
cities, I give them a call. The rest of the drivers quacked like ducks and told
me all the reasons they couldn't do any of what I was suggesting.

Wally the Cab Driver
made a different choice. He decided to stop quacking like ducks and start
soaring like eagles.


In these “interesting economic times,” it’s just
this type of attitude that could well make the difference between your company
just thriving or surviving. Take a lesson from Wally: Ducks quack, Eagles soar.