Dealing With Difficult People

From the conversations we have with people in management positions in organizations of all types, the number one issue continues to be how to deal with difficult people; people who don’t get along with others, who treat others disrespectfully, who are disruptive, the list goes on and on. The inevitable comment and question is always the same: I’ve talked to this person about their behavior over and over again but nothing changes. What can I do?

Before you can even begin to solve this dilemma, you have to understand the problem. I have discussed this at great length in Unshackled Leadership and in earlier issues of this newsletter so I’ll address it summarily here. Human beings are like a computer. When you turn on your computer, software boots up which determines how the computer operates and what it can do.

When a human being wakes up, a conversation boots up that determines how the human being operates and what it can do. For the vast majority of people, the conversation is that of the ego and, as Deepak Chopra says, the ego mind believes you are an isolated individual trying to survive in a hostile world. Wow. Said another way, when we listen to the voice of the ego, it has us believe that you are over there, I am over here, we are separate and you are the enemy.

What you can surely conclude about all of these so-called difficult people is that this ego conversation is loud and not only do they listen to it, they believe it. These people are struggling to survive in a hostile world and they are doing that in the best way they know how. As a result, all efforts on your behalf to get them to behave differently cannot produce a positive result because they are simply operating under a faulty program and they cannot do anything about it, no matter how much they want to!

Is there a solution? Yes. You have two choices. One is simple: fire them and get someone who has a different operating system. Sometimes that is the best solution. The other is to train them, something you cannot do on your own unless you are trained yourself in doing that. Either send them someplace where they can get the support they need to get reprogrammed or bring some training in house, like the work we do, where they can get the support they need. The advantage of this later course is that you can include others in the training so everyone grows together.

What we surely do not recommend is what many feel is a third choice: do nothing and complain about them or just let them continue behaving in the unacceptable way they do. That is a choice in which nobody wins. If you have a broken computer, you either fix it or get a new one. The same two choices apply here.

If you’d like some recommendations as to programs that are available to send people to or would like to hear more about how we do this inside your organization, please give us a call.

The power of integrity

I wise man I had the privilege of working with many years ago made the bold statement: “with integrity, everything works, without integrity, nothing works.” Over the years I have come to appreciate the wisdom of that statement.

So what’s integrity? It comes from the root word “integral” meaning whole and complete. So to have integrity means to be whole and complete. A boat with a hole in it lacks integrity and would sink. A balloon with a hole in it lacks integrity and the air will escape.

The same wise man said his definition of integrity was “honoring yourself as your word.” What he meant was mean what you say before you say it, when you say it and after you say it. Keep your word. Do what you say you will do, how you say you will do it and by when you say you will do it by. Don’t cut corners.

Unfortunately, too many people these days don’t have integrity. It’s because they live by the formula: RESULTS = NO RESULTS + A GOOD EXCUSE. In other words, people actually believe that not producing a result is the same as producing a result, as long as you have a good excuse. IT’S NOT THE SAME. If you don’t do what you say, you didn’t do what you said and no excuse matters.

What I have learned is that when you have integrity, you can count on you, others can count on you, you feel good about you, others feel good about you, and you hold yourself accountable for what you say. That is why with integrity, everything works.

If this makes sense to you, and I hope it does, start noticing how you operate in the arena of integrity. Do you honor yourself as your word? Do you keep your promises? Do you do what you say you will do as you say you will do it and when you say you will do it by?

If you see you operate with integrity, acknowledge yourself and keep up the good work. If you see there is a gap between how you operate in the arena of integrity and how you could operate, get to work bridging the gap. Go back and clean up any areas where you can see you didn’t operate with integrity. Get them all handled and move forward from that point and start operating with integrity.

Why not play full out?

As a follow up to what I wrote about last week, if you understand that life and business is not about winning or losing but rather is about winning or having learning experiences, the obvious next step is to learn to play full out. And that is something most people don’t do. Why is that?

Look at it this way: you can expect the best all of the time, most of the time, some of the time or none of the time. What do you do? Rarely do people expect the best all of the time. If that’s true, and life is about winning and losing, you surely don’t want to let it all hang out because if it doesn’t turn out the way you would like, you will lose.

But in the context I’m creating, where you always win, whether you do or not, then you might as well expect the best and go for it because there’s nothing to fear. And you do know that fear is the dominant human emotion, right?

Can you begin to see how this all plays out and why human beings tend to hold themselves back? Don’t expect the best, worry about losing and be fearful, it’s all the most popular game. Unfortunately, the price you pay for playing that game is: no self expression, no real joy, no real passion, a life of quiet desperation. Just what the ego wants.

There is another way to play. Just go for it. Play full out. Expect the best all of the time. As I discussed last week, celebrate your victories, learn from your mistakes, trust that it’s all perfect and have fun. The payoff is full self expression, excitement, joy and passion, and a life worth living. As I say in my book Unshackled Leadership, always two and only two choices, and the one you pick makes all the difference in the world. Choose wisely!