This will make a huge difference in your relationships
Tuesday, February 4, 2014 at 2:48PM | Scott Hunter If you take the time to understand what I’m about to share with you, I promise this will make a profound difference in all of your relationships, both at work and at home. My message requires you to understand certain things that are not so obvious, but your willingness to go along with me will be well rewarded.
First, you must understand that there is a profound difference between something that is actually present in the physical universe and something that is purely an interpretation. So, for example, in the former category, you can actually see and show me a chair, an arm, a glass of water, an automobile and a telephone. Now each of us may have a story about the chair or automobile, but that’s not the point here. The point is that each of those items, like millions of others, actually exist in the physical universe.
In the later category, there is rude, impatient, hostile, disappointed, anxious and much more. Can you actually show me rude? Can you show me impatient? Yes, you can demonstrate behavior that could be interpreted in those ways, but you can’t actually hand me some rude or impatience or nervousness, etc. All of the things in the later category are interpretations that live in language.
Let me explain further, since I know this sounds a bit weird if you haven’t thought of this before. A person acts in a particular way and based on our experience with others, we “interpret” their behavior as “rude.” Is that the truth? Maybe, or maybe not. We often have no idea what’s going on with another person and what we don’t see is that we’re constantly evaluating and interpreting their behavior based on some standard that we have about how a person “should” behave.
So a person acts in a particular way and we “interpret” that behavior as rude, or anxious, or nervous, or whatever. Regardless, the rude, anxious, nervousness doesn’t actually exist in the physical universe. As I said before, all of those “things” are interpretations that we create in language.
If you’ve followed me so far, here’s the point. Most of those interpretations, in addition to being questionably accurate, are disempowering and combative. And we do it all the time. My experience is that we all are constantly judging and interpreting other’s behavior based on some standard we’ve established for ourselves to live by and whenever another deviates from our standard, we make them wrong for whatever they did. This is why it’s disempowering and combative to do this.
Whether we realize it or not, we all have a set of standards that we constantly compare other people’s behavior to and when you realize this, it becomes pretty clear that there’s no better than a 50 – 50 chance that others will live up to your standards. The result is we constantly accuse others of inappropriate behavior as if they actually did what we accuse them of, rather than realizing that the real problem is your interpretation.
So is there a solution to this? Is there a way of eliminating the constant judging and accusing we do of others? Is there a way we could be that would actually foster relatedness? Absolutely. Forget about your standards and adopt a belief system in which you allow yourself only two interpretations of others behavior. In every case, others are either being loving or looking for love. Period. Now if you object to the word “love,” substitute “kind” or “sensitive” or some word like that. So people are either being kind or looking for kindness. People are either being sensitive or looking for someone to be sensitive to them.
By the way, you know why this works? Because it’s the truth. As a matter of fact, people are either being loving or, when they’re hurting, looking for love. Now it may not seem that way. It may look like they’re being angry or hostile or rude. But if you could climb inside their reality, you would see that what they’re looking for is love.
Can you see why this would make an enormous difference in all of your relationships? It totally eliminates all of the critical, combative assumptions we make of others, which invariably lead to conflict. Instead, in every situation, where someone is not being loving or kind or sensitive or compassionate, you decide that that’s what their looking for and give it to them. I promise you that if you take this on, you will have a breakthrough in every one of your relationships. Let me know if you have any questions or how it works out for you.
Reader Comments (3)
This is exactly right. And, we can train ourselves to stop judging. Simply learn to recognize when one is judging and learn to pause that thought. Then, say to yourself "this is my interpretation and likely the other person is seeing it differently". Then respond. You will find your response entirely different. And, the reaction will be positive and you will be a better person for it. #fostergrowth
Great insight and explanation! I find that I can become aware of what is going on and make a choice as to whether I choose to embrace and become part of the comments or actions or choose to realize it has nothing to do with me. In the latter of this as entrepreneurs we can learn great leadership skills in being able to make the choice to not won it. It also is great for stress levels as we do not have to participate or absorb negativity. EAaier said than done some times but worth the effort!
So really the message here is to simply not judge. Or at least, be better informed before you do :)