Getting beyond stress

One of our readers sent the following question: “I'm doing ok, however the stress of it all gets to me every once in a while.  This will happen when multiple projects come due at the same time.  So, if you have any tips to balance your life or deal with the stress that we put on ourselves they would be greatly appreciated.”

The question has me realize that either I’ve never written about dealing with stress or I just haven’t written about it for a long time. In either event, here are my thoughts on the subject.

First of all, let’s take a look at why we create circumstances in our lives that create stress (and in stating that, I do understand that there are times that life creates stress for us with little input from us). I suspect one of the biggest sources of stress is, like the case with the man who wrote me, that we simply take on more than we can realistically handle at any one time. We do that for a number of reasons. A big one is we don’t know how to say “no.” Somehow we feel like we have to respond positively to every request someone makes of us or they won’t like us (and, of course, we want to be liked). This is really crazy and I encourage you to learn to say “no.”

Another reason is that we expect so much of ourselves, this being driven by our inherent insecurities, and somehow we feel like if we take on a lot, we’ll accomplish a lot and then we’ll feel good about ourselves. This too is crazy and you’d be far better off to decide you’re really OK right up front and nothing you do will prove anything about you.

Finally, because we spend so much of our time concerned with our survival, at work we often feel like we have no choice but to say “yes.” Someone of higher authority, whether it be a supervisor, a boss, or even a customer, asks us for something and we’re so afraid of the consequences of saying “no” that we say yes even when we don’t want to. I encourage you to challenge this one too. I know of no case where someone in this type of situation said “no” and paid an unacceptable price for doing so.

Next, as I alluded to earlier, there are times when circumstances just show up unexpectedly and create burdens on us that produce stress. Your dog dies, or a family member, or something you’re counting on doesn’t happen, or any one of a million other circumstances. For example, for me, I’ve been looking for the home of my dreams for many years and several weeks ago, it showed up, in the perfect location, and at an affordable price. I made an offer and it was accepted. I was thrilled and excited.

But for a number of reasons I didn’t anticipate, I have to sell my existing home in order to qualify for financing on the new home. So I put my home on the market and we have proceeded aggressively to find a buyer. But time is running out to close the deal on the new home and there is no buyer in sight. This has the potential of putting me under a lot of stress.

But it hasn’t and it’s because I understand what the source of stress is. You might want to write this down and look at it every day: ALL STRESS COMES FROM RESISTING WHAT IS! And I didn’t say “most” stress, I said “all” stress. That’s the heart of the matter. 100% of what you call stress comes from wanting things to be different than the way they are. That’s what I mean by “resisting.” Life shows up in a particular way but we don’t accept that life is that way. We want life to be the way we want life to be. And that, my friends, is the source of all of it.

So is there a way to actually minimize or even eliminate the stress in your life? Theoretically yes, just accept life the way it is and the way it isn’t. Most of the time, you don’t get to control the way life and people show up around you. Or, when you do, because you take on more than you can realistically handle, there it is in front of you. Just deal with it. Remind yourself frequently of the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

If you can deal with a situation, do it, without resisting or complaining. If you can’t deal with a situation, learn to accept it, without resisting or complaining,.and have that be your only two choices. Because in the final analysis, any other choice will create stress.

How about having some faith and trusting?

I’ll bet that when you’re faced with a problem, issue, challenge or other circumstance that requires some action or decision on your part, you most often make a decision and indeed take action. There may be any number of processes you go through to make the decision, but in the final analysis you make it and move forward. So you might analyze your choices and weigh them, you might ask someone for advice, you might “sleep on it” and follow your gut or you might even put a target on the wall and throw a dart at it. Or, you might do whatever you can to avoid making the decision and do nothing. Any other choices you can think of?

The one thing that I suspect hardly any of you do is turn it over, surrender the issue and allow yourself to be guided into action. Now since I doubt that none of that makes a lot of sense, let me explain what I mean.

Let me start with a quote from Albert Einstein that I offered to you earlier in the year. What he said was: “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or a hostile universe.” Think about that for a moment. First, notice that he only gave us two choices, not seven, not five, not even three. Two choices, friendly or hostile.

Second, notice what the two choices are, friendly or hostile. There are a number of implications from those choices. If the universe is friendly, then it means it’s on your side, it’s like a friend, you can count on it, it has your back, it will provide you with whatever support you need or require.

If the universe is hostile, then it means it’s an enemy, it’s out to get you, you can’t trust it, you have to watch your back, your survival is threatened, you’re not safe, fear is appropriate and you had better be worried and/or concerned.

So, assuming you’re willing to believe that the universe is friendly, then the next thing to ask is whether you’re going to pit your finite intelligence against what has to be the infinite intelligence of the universe. I trust you can see that is no contest. Logically it makes no sense to rely on your decision making capabilities when you can rely on the unlimited decision making capability of the friendly universe.

So now let’s get back to my suggestion about turning it over. For those of you who have read my book Unshackled Leadership, you know the subtitle is Building Businesses Based on Faith, Trust, Possibility and Abundance. So let’s focus on the two words in the middle to see what I’m getting to. What I’m suggesting is that in ALL cases where you feel you have to make a decision, start with the assumption that you don’t know. How can you possibly know what would be best among the infinite number of choices there are? You must have faith that the universe is on your side and ready and willing to help.

The logical next step is to trust that you will be shown what all of your choices are and will be inspired as to what action to take. Wrap it all up and you come up with turning it over, surrendering the issue and allowing yourself to be guided into action. How that might look as a practical matter is up to you. Maybe you pray about it. Maybe you just take a deep breathe, get quiet and ask silently to yourself to be shown what to do. Maybe you just let it go and take a walk or get on to something else and wait to be guided. That is up to you but I’m sure the suggestions I’ve made will steer you toward what will work for you.

Here’s the bottom line I’m asking you to consider: in spite of how it may appear, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You have the entire universe on your side, unless of course you think Einstein was wrong. Why have life be a struggle when you have such an amazing partner. For me, except when I forget, which is still all too often, I try to decide nothing. I surrender all of my issues to the universe, try to stay as peaceful and centered as I can possibly be and wait until I am inspired and/or compelled into action. I find that whenever I’m able to do this, things always turn out far better than I could have possibly imagined.

I recognize that this approach is probably dramatically different than anything you have ever done. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it. Start small and as you gain experience you can apply it to bigger and bigger issues. And, if you want some help, we’re always here to provide that. Try taking us up on our constant offer for an hour of free coaching on any business related topic.

Success Strategy – Change Your Conversation

Is your life the way you want it to be?  If you’re a leader of an organization, is the organization the way you want it to be?  The answer to this question for many is “No” or “Not exactly, it could be improved.” 

At Unshackled Leadership coaching, we work with many businesses and organizations  who are doing pretty well, yet they have a desire to do even better. They want to improve their business, maybe it’s to increase their number of clients, sales, revenue, or profits.  Sometimes it’s about improving the culture, making it a better place to work, having people get along.  Often, they’re not sure what’s missing or what they really want to do or be.  They don’t have a clear vision. They need some help.

This is top of mind because today I conducted a retreat for one of my clients.  The goal was to create and align on a vision for the future of their organization.  This is so important because it helps you focus and prioritize, rather than jumping from one thing to another.  It helps you be the successful organization you want to be.

Prior to the actual creation of the vision, we talked about what it takes to be a successful organization.  In Scott Hunter’s book, Unshackled Leadership, this is defined as “enthusiastic, confident, optimistic, appreciative and happy people who work together on behalf of a future they have all committed themselves to.” We work with companies to help them develop this mindset and create a vision.  As we went through our process today, it became clear much of this could be accomplished by changing ones conversation. 

People in most organizations need to change their conversations about themselves, others and the organization itself.  Do you ever stop and really listen to yourself and others?  Is there complaining, blaming, judging, or criticizing?  Do they dwell on past mistakes or history? Is there doubt, worry and uncertainty?  Do people second guess themselves or others?  Usually, when one criticizes another it’s because they also criticize themselves.  They think they’re not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough or not worthy and this spills out and spreads.  The result is that people and organizations stop growing and moving forward.

If this is happening for you or your organization, you need to change your conversation.  Start with yourself.  Take a stand for your value and greatness.  As you change your conversation and your mindset, you’ll begin to see the magnificence of others as well.  You begin to create a space in your organization for everyone else to experience his or her own greatness.  You will see a shift.  Reframe any negative or limiting beliefs you have about yourself, others or your organization.  Keep the conversations focused on what you want as an organization and all the great knowledge and talents you have to deliver on that.  It’s a win/win for all!

If you need some help changing those conversations and creating a vision for your organization, contact me Lois@UnshackledLeadership.com or visit our website www.UnshackledLeadership.com.

Welcome to the dysfunctional world of Washington

As I write this post, the US Government is still shut down and it’s not at all clear that come another day or two, the US Government will be able to borrow the money to pay its bills. From all of the news reports and all of the polls, I’m pretty clear that none of us are happy about this situation and, in fact, most of us are pretty disgusted and angry.

I think I understand the issues and I can understand, at some level, why this situation has occurred in the first place because the desires and positions of our two major political parties are diametrically opposed and seem unresolvable. So while I have no idea how this gets resolved, and I surely hope it does, I don’t want us to miss the opportunity for all of us to learn a profound lesson from this situation.

If you study the human condition, as I have for many years, you must start with the fundamental problem at the heart of all conflicts like these. That problem is the belief that we are separate from each other. While at first you might say “of course we’re separate from each other,” that’s not really true. The truth is that we are all fundamentally spiritual beings emanating from the same creative force. We are like the rays of the sun to the sun or a wave in the ocean to the ocean. Where does one sunbeam end and another start? Where does one wave end and another start?

Excuse me for being so philosophical but that is the reality. And the belief that we are separate from each other causes all of the mischief we see. Why? Because as soon as we believe, as we mostly all do, that we’re all separate beings, the world of the ego takes over. In fact, that is the world of the ego and the ego really takes this to extremes. In the world of the ego, and we all have one, not only are you separate from me, but you are the enemy!

If you don’t yet believe what I’m saying, just step back and look at what’s going on in Washington from this perspective. It’s really outright warfare. Each side is taking the position that the other is in the way of them getting what they want. What do you call that when another is in your way? Clearly they are the enemy.

And here’s the biggest consequence of all: from your perspective, you are right and the other person is wrong. Again, take a look at what’s going on. If people were being rational, they would say something like: I have my point of view, it’s not right or wrong, just my point of view, and you have your point of view, again it’s not right or wrong, it’s just your point of view, so let’s sit down and see what we can come up with that works for both of us.

But the problem is nobody seems to want to do that. Without getting into any taking of sides, both the President and the Democrats are firmly committed to the rightness of their point of view and the conservative wing of the Republican party is firmly committed to the rightness of their point of view and there we sit. And who suffers whenever something like this happens? Everyone!

But does the ego care about that? Absolutely not. In fact, the ego loves this kind of stuff and the power of the ego and its view of the world is beautifully on display for all to see. As you’ve heard me say before, you can either be right or you can be happy. The ego is always committed to being right, even though there is no possibility of happiness. And so we all sit here and suffer while this truly bizarre situation plays out in Washington. It’s an embarrassment that will take time for any of us to get over.

But if we are to learn from this, here’s the question I want to leave you with. Where are you doing this in your own life? Where are you doing this in your personal life, with your friends and family, and in your business life, with your employer, employees, co-workers, vendors, suppliers and customers. There’s probably not much that you and I can do to resolve the situation in Washington but there’s a ton of things you and I can do to resolve situations like this in our own lives.

Look at every aspect of your life and ask: am I choosing to be right or am I choosing to be happy? Am I trying to play win/win or am I choosing to play win/lose? Am I allowing the fear based voice of the ego to dominate my thinking or am I choosing to come from love? These are profound questions that I hope you ask yourself every day. I know that I do.

It's OK to be ignorant

One of my earliest coaches told me to never be satisfied when I come up with “the answer” but rather to continue to “inquire.” This was great advice. Martin Luther King once said: “Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking.  There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions.  Nothing pains some people more than having to think.” In other words, when confronted with a problem or issue, don’t rush to find the “answer,” be willing to hang out in the question and see what evolves.

With this in mind, I have continued to hang out in the issue I have written about the last two weeks, about people being ignorant and the appearance that people seem to be committed to staying ignorant, and I continue to see more in this than first meets the eye.

Last week I said that part of the problem is that people don’t want to take responsibility for everything in their lives, and I still believe that is mostly true. But here’s something else I’ve seen: people don’t want to admit that their ignorant. People think that somehow they’re supposed to know everything and if you don’t know about something, you must be stupid or something. And, of course, nobody wants to be stupid. So let me develop this line of reasoning a bit more and you tell me what you think.

First, do you realize you’re ignorant? How does it feel when I say that? Are you offended, put off? But seriously, what do you know about quantum physics, microbiology, intergalactic travel, brain surgery, the manufacture of computer chips, etc,? If you’re like me, likely nothing. So what each of us knows is like a grain of sand on a beach, a tiny fraction of what there is ultimately to know.

So, we’re ignorant. That’s a fact. But we don’t come to grips with that fact. Somehow, we think it’s insulting to be called or appear ignorant. And why is that? Because our egos tell us, as I have discussed many times before, that we’re not good enough. And we buy into it. For over 40 years of my life, I bought into it and thought I wasn’t very smart. Even though I graduated engineering school and in the top 10% of my law school class, I still thought that every lawyer out there was obviously smarter than me. Can you relate?

So, because WE think we’re not really very smart, the last thing we want is for anyone else to think we’re not very smart. So in one way or the other, most people live their lives trying to avoid the fact that they’re ignorant and the way we do that is to act and maybe even ultimately believe that we know all there is to know.

The result, I think, is that we don’t have an open mind. We’re not curious. How can you be curious if you’re going around masquerading that you already know everything. So we can be surrounded by really useful information bombarding us with facts that could really help is in many ways, but we’re not open to letting them in. From the outside, it looks like we’re ignorant and committed to staying that way. What may be more accurate is that we just don’t have an open mind.

So here are my recommendations: First, come to grips with the fact that you’re ignorant! There’s nothing shameful or belittling in that reality. We all just know what we know, what we know is like a grain of sand on the beach of what we could know, and that’s just what is. In fact, have some fun with being ignorant. Start saying things like “I don’t know.” Admit it. It will give others the freedom to admit that they also don’t know.

Then, once you’re at peace with how much you really don’t know, get curious. There’s a whole world out there to learn about. Acknowledging how much you don’t know opens the door to how much you can learn. For me, I want to learn something new every day. Ask questions. Be curious. Stop spending your time trying to impress people with how much you already know, spend your time trying to learn something from what they know. The added benefit to that is that people will actually like you a lot better because you’ll be interested in them instead of what you probably do most of the time which is to get them interested in you. As always, let me hear from you. To be continued. . .